The Focusing Illusion

The Focusing Illusion
A win on the lottery is not the key to enduring happiness,
according to researchers in the UK and US who study what
makes people happy. Apparently, after the initial euphoria
wears off, people return to the same level of happiness
they had before the lottery win. There's much speculation
among the researchers as to why.

Have you ever heard the term "focusing illusion"? It
basically boils down to the idea that when people think
about or fantasize about a major life change, we tend to
exaggerate the effect the change will have on our
happiness. We imagine it will be either far better or far
worse than what actually happens after the dust settles
from the change. Has this happened to you?

Have you ever worked toward buying something, say a nice
car? First you say to yourself, "boy, I would love to have
that car". After a while, you make a decision to save to
buy the car. Your thoughts change to "when I have my new
car...things will be great!" You save and the day comes to
buy the car. It's a wonderful day, you are elated to be
behind the wheel of this amazing vehicle and you just know
that everyone is envious of you and your flash car. Days
and weeks go by. Life continues as usual. It begins to dawn
on you that, although you are very happy with the car
itself, you are no more happy with life than before you had
it. See how this works?

What about bigger life changes like a new job, new spouse,
location change, new baby, etc...?

For those of you who have teens in your home: How often
have you heard this? "When I go to university and leave
home, things are gonna be much better for me" or similar
comments. Well, we parents who went through it already know
that while the freedom of growing up is really fun and
exciting, there is responsibility associated with it. The
initial euphoria of leaving home and being on your own
wears off and becomes "normal" or even difficult.

Divorce is another example. If you have been through one
(unfortunately, many of us have), you might remember
reaching the decision in your mind that you had had
"enough". Even if you were not the one who wanted the
divorce - you probably got there anyway. With that
decision, your mind turns toward the future: how much
better your life will be without the other person, how you
will be free to find someone better for you, how you will
be free of conflict and fighting and, of course, if you are
divorcing because you feel you are in love with someone
else, how much better your life will be with your new love.
And so it goes...

What was the long term reality? My guess? After a few years
in your new life, you were the same person as before your
problems began. Am I right? Yes, you were unhappy with the
SITUATION of your old life; but if you were generally happy
within yourself, you remained so. If you were not, once the
focusing illusion is gone, you were the same - unhappy.

There is a dark side to the focusing illusion. Do you know
someone whose parent, spouse or boss is overly critical?
Don't you feel sad or worried for the person? What would
you say to them if they asked? Run away - this relationship
is not good for you. Yet, this person probably keeps a hold
of the focusing illusion "if only I could do this or have
this, I would feel loved by my parent, spouse or be
rewarded by my boss." This dynamic occurs in many abusive
relationships: verbal, emotional and physical. Not healthy.
Yet many people propagate this, because of the optimism the
focusing illusion provides.

While the focusing illusion can help us work toward a goal,
wisdom helps distinguish the reality from the fantasy. Life
experiences teach us that external forces (people,
situations and material things) cannot "make" us happy or
unhappy. Blaming others for our unhappiness or depending on
others to provide happiness only serves to alienate
everyone close to us. In fact, by believing this we are
giving away our personal power of self determination and
our choice to be happy.

The moral of this story?

The focusing illusion serves to motivate people in many
ways. It contributes to our ability to dream and remain
optimistic in the face of adversity. Dreams drive us
forward and give us the power to make our lives magnificent.

To put it in another way: it's not the dreams or desires
themselves that make us happy. It's the accomplishments and
connections that come with pursuing them with honesty and
integrity that is the true root of our happiness.

It's the process of getting there....

Sources:
Staying happier for longer. By Professor Martin Seligman.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/happiness_formula/4903
464.stm
Study Shows "Grass is Greener" View Usually False
http://www.mercola.com/1998/archive/grass_is_greener.htm

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About the Author:
Ainsley Laing, MSc. has been a Fitness Trainer for 25 years
and writes exclusively Body for Mind eZine. She holds
certifications in Group Exercise, Sports Nutrition and
Personal Fitness Training. She is also a professional
engineer and mom. To see more articles by Ainsley visit
http://www.bodyformind.com or the blog at
http://www.bodyformind.blogspot.com