Last night, a friend and I spent time working on a "New
Year's" exercise which involved taking stock of the
previous year and using that awareness to look ahead to the
upcoming year. One of the questions was: "What were your 5
most important "lessons learned" this past year?" To which
my first response was: "I'm going to skip that one."
However, upon reflection, I realized that there were some
biggies, one of which hit me like a ton of bricks: That if
I REALLY determine that I want to reach a goal and put my
mind to that goal, I will achieve it. When I am clear and
committed and focused, I know that I can do it and I WILL
do it, despite the obstacles. It is the mushy ambivalence
and lack of clear decisiveness that always, always, ALWAYS
gets in my way.
And, unfortunately, I had to face the fact:
Although I had achieved a number of my goals this year,
there was also quite a bit of that mushy ambivalence
(again), in various areas of my life. You know what I
mean: you say you want something ("I really want to lose
weight" or "I really want to start exercising" or "I really
want more balance in my life" for example), but there is
somehow something missing. There is not always the belief,
the commitment, the focus - the "I will take nothing but
this outcome" umph behind that desire.
Of course, this "umph" may be missing for a number of
different reasons: fear (one of my personal favorites);
uncertainty that it's what you really want; worry about
what others will think; perfectionism (which is really just
fear in disguise); lack of confidence; lack of support;
lack of trust in self or others; control "issues;" lack of
belief in the desired outcome; pesky, unhelpful beliefs
about yourself that sabotage you; etc. etc. etc.
So how can we create more "umph" behind our goals, our
wishes, our resolutions...? It is my personal New Year's
"resolution" to do away with the mushy ambivalence and to
set goals that I will achieve. I believe the following
guidelines include important steps guaranteed to give any
resolution a gentle "push" in the right direction.
1) Make a decision. If you want something (i.e. "I want to
get healthy and fit this year"), make a decision to work
towards achieving it - no matter what. A decision is not a
wish, it is not a hope, it is not a fantasy. Although your
decision may have arisen as a result of one of these
things, it is different: it is the clear awareness that you
are the only one that can make this happen, and you can
only make it happen if you are clear.
Notice if you are waffling. Notice if there is a little
voice in your head filled with a sabotaging message. Yes,
you might be scared. Yes, you might not know how you're
going to do it or fit it in. Yes, it might involve some
challenges and some obstacles and some setbacks. But once
you decide, allow yourself to know that you will not let
anything get in your way.
2) Become aware of your internal beliefs. Too often, you
may make a decision to do something (such as get fit and
healthy), but your beliefs - both conscious (the ones we
are aware of) and unconscious (the ones we are mostly not
aware of, but keep showing themselves in our actions or our
feelings about ourselves) hold you back. Perhaps, on some
level, you don't believe you can have what you want and you
may be filled with fear, anxiety, and self-sabotage.
Begin to become aware of your beliefs and begin to question
their "truth" (almost 100% of the time, these unhelpful
negative beliefs are not based in current reality). When
you are ready, challenge those beliefs and begin to shift
them to be more in-line with who you want to be and what
you want to do.
3) Visualize yourself having reached your goal. Much has
been written about the power of visualization, especially
recently with the popularity of the movie, The Secret. I
am a huge believer in the power of visualization for
psychological reasons as well. Our brain does not
distinguish between what is real and what is imagined.
Once you are able to see yourself doing something or
feeling something, you are able to begin to move more
easily and freely in that direction.
As an added bonus: Begin to act AS IF you've already
achieved that goal. Don't WAIT until you get fit to start
walking; don't wait until you are healthy to start doing
yoga. Let yourself imagine, as often as you can, that you
are that person already and then behave as if you are.
4) Commit to take action. You don't need to wait until you
have worked out all of your negative beliefs or until you
have no fear or until you have all of your ducks in a row
to begin to work toward your goal. All of the steps above
are only helpful if they lead to action. Make a commitment
to yourself to do SOMETHING, no matter how small, every day
that brings you closer to your goal. In the words of
Cornelius Robinson (yes, I am quoting a character from the
kids movie, Meet The Robinsons), "keep moving forward."
5) Celebrate failure. (Another Cornelius Robinson value, I
admitJ) None of us like to fail, and in fact, it is often
our fear of failure that keeps us from moving forward.
Learn to welcome failure as a sign that you are learning
what works and what doesn't. There is no way to succeed
without failure.
I'd love to hear from you about your goals for 2008. If
your goals include getting healthy, finding the right foods
for your body, feeding your family well, or finally getting
rid of a relationship to food that feels bad . . . I look
forward to supporting you on your journey and "seeing" more
of you throughout the year!
----------------------------------------------------
Karen Schachter is a licensed clinical social worker &
certified nutrition counselor who works with women who want
to have a healthier relationship with food & in turn,
improve their nutrition, improve their mood & energy,
decrease their cravings and just generally enjoy life more
fully. She helps parents figure out what to feed their
children & how to feed their children without power
struggles. Visit http://www.karenschachtermsw.com/
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