Madelyn Kubin was a Kansas farm woman who overpowered her
own failing health to care for her husband after he
suffered a debilitating stroke. She chronicled her
experience through writing letters to her daughter. There
are many lessons for all caregivers in Madelyn's
experiences. Here are three, illustrated with excerpts from
the book Letters from Madelyn, Chronicles of a Caregiver:
Write a Rant
Writing about your anger, fear, and frustrations can get
negative feelings out of your head. When you allow
yourself to rage on paper you release intense emotional
energy.
Writing this rant didn't change Madelyn's situation, but
she was able to reposition her attitude after blowing off a
little steam:
"I had reached a stage where everything about Quentin
irritated me. I hated the way he huffed and puffed when he
got in bed. It didn't start my morning off right to get out
of bed and step on a very wet Depend.
I wanted to scream when he would sit and watch me put the
orange juice, medication and vitamins, etc. on the table.
And then when I would come with the toast, he acted like he
was surprised that it was time for breakfast. It made me
furious that I would have to wait and wait while he
struggled to get his chair located right. I don't have
time to remember and itemize all the other irritants, but I
can tell you that everything he did aggravated me.
I do realize that the stroke has affected him in so many
ways that aren't obvious. I also know he is definitely not
this way by choice and that he is not trying to irritate me.
I believe it is important to do unto others as you would
have them do unto you. That is the reason I don't want to
be cross with him. I also realize that some day I might be
in even worse condition than he is. It would be awful to
be struggling with every little thing and have your
caretaker and others cross with you, so I've readjusted my
attitude, and today I'm feeling a little better."
Stay Connected to Family, Friends, and Organizations
It is not uncommon for invitations to social functions to
stop once a person is diagnosed with a chronic illness. As
a caregiver you will need to be proactive and innovative to
make sure you don't become isolated.
In this letter Madelyn tells how she turned a regularly
scheduled meeting into a party:
"Our Fellowship Group has a carry-in luncheon once a month.
I decided I would have them come to the farm this time,
and I have had more fun getting ready for them. Except for
being a little windy, it was a perfect morning. I sprayed
the yard with Yard Guard and there wasn't a fly or mosquito
in sight. There were 24 of us.
Quentin was there and he enjoyed himself so much. He was
sitting with some especially interesting people. I regret
I didn't get a picture of him with the happy expression he
had on his face. It is something that triggers memories of
the past, but it is very rare now. The experience is
somewhat like the feeling one has playing golf - one good
shot makes a person want to go back and try for it again.
I will be trying to think of things for him to do so I can
see that expression again."
Accept that Death is a Part of Life
We all know that death is inevitable, but it can be very
difficult to discuss. Talking about it openly can remove
some of the mystery and fear and open the door to some
meaningful conversations.
Madelyn wrote:
"On the fourth anniversary of Quentin's stroke he was
terribly depressed. He was convinced he was going to die
that night, and he wanted to. When we went to bed he told
me he didn't know what was going to happen in the night,
but if I woke up and he was having a problem, he wanted me
to try to go back to sleep and leave him alone.
He woke up alive and fairly cheerful the next morning.
I never get excited about death premonitions the way my
mother did. Dad could make her jump through a hoop when he
would cry and say he was dying. I made three trips to
Florida one year. She would call me up crying and upset
about him. Frankly, it never made much sense to me, as she
had kept a nice black dress in the back of her closet to
wear to his funeral since 1946. One time when I went to
Florida Dad started the crying with me and saying he was
going to die. I said I thought death was one of the nicest
things God had planned for us. I told him it would be
terrible to think a person would have to go on forever in a
body that was hurting and didn't work right. I still feel
that way. He stopped crying while I was there."
Madelyn Kubin survived her caregiving experience by taking
care of herself physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Although there is nothing that can make the job of
caregiving easy, writing a rant, engaging in social
interaction, and talking openly about death can help ease
some of stress.
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Resource box:
Elaine K. Sanchez, author of the tender, gritty, and
uproariously funny book, Letters from Madelyn, Chronicles
of a Caregiver speaks to audiences across the country about
finding hope and humor in aging, illness, and long-term
caregiving. For a free Caregiver's Survival Guide, visit
her website at http://www.LaineyPublishing.com
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