Everyone is shocked when they first hear the word cancer.
Some people may feel they know the test results before they
hear them, but it's still a shock to hear the words spoken
out loud. It's usually very difficult to hear or remember
anything else after hearing that your loved one has cancer.
For many people, the first few weeks after diagnosis are
the most difficult. After you hear the word cancer, you may
have trouble listening to what is being said, and asking
questions that you may have. When you are at home, you may
have trouble thinking, eating, or sleeping. Remember, you
are not always going to feel this way. We all struggle to
figure out how and why this happened. What went wrong? We
want answers, and it can make you crazy. Every cancer is
different and there just aren't any answers.
You and your loved one will have many feelings after you
hear the word cancer. These feelings can change from
day-to-day, hour-to-hour, or even minute-to-minute. Some of
the feelings you may both go through include:
Anger
Once you accept that your loved one has cancer, you may
feel angry and scared. It is normal to ask Why us? and be
angry at:
The cancer
Your healthy friends and loved ones
If you are religious, you might even be angry with God
Anger sometimes comes from feelings that are harder to
show--such as fear, panic, frustration, anxiety, or
helplessness. If you feel angry, don't pretend that
everything is okay. Talk to someone about your anger. Most
of the time, talking will help you feel better. A lot of
times caregivers don't feel like they have the right to
these feelings, that only the cancer patient does. Cancer
definitely affects the entire family, and you must
acknowledge these feelings and work through them, for
everyone's sake.
Fear
The word 'cancer' frightens everyone I know! You may be
afraid or worried about:
Taking care of your loved one
Taking care of your family
Paying your bills
Keeping your own job while taking care of your loved one
Losing your loved one
Most people feel better when they know what to expect. You
will feel less afraid when you learn more about the
specific kind of cancer and its treatment....so read as
much as you can and learn as much as you can about your
loved one's cancer. Don't let the word cancer disempower
you. Knowing the facts, and recommended treatments will
reduce your fear, and make you a stronger partner for your
loved one.
Stress
Your body may react to the stress and worry of your loved
one's cancer. You can learn to handle stress in many ways,
like:
Talking to people in the same situation as you are
Exercising
Listening to music
Reading books, poems, or magazines
Relaxing or meditating
Talking about your feelings with family and close friends
Writing your feelings down in a journal to get further
clarity around them
The key is to find ways to control stress and not to let it
control you.
Lack of Control
When you first learn that your loved one has cancer, you
may feel as if your life is out of control. You may feel
this way because:
You are now focused on doctor visits and treatments
You feel helpless
You feel like you don't have time to do the things you
normally do
Stay focused on what you can do, right now, to improve the
situation. And remember, it won't always be this way.
Loneliness
You may find that your friends or friends don't know how to
deal with your loved one's cancer and they may not ask
about it or know what to say. You may not have the energy
or focus to take part in the hobbies and activities you
used to enjoy. And sometimes, even when you are with people
you love and care about, you may feel that no one
understands what you are going through as everyone is
focused on your loved one.
Consider joining a support group or talking to a close
friend or family member that understands. It always help to
know that you are not alone.
Hope
Once you have accepted that your loved one has cancer, you
will often feel a sense of hope. There are many reasons to
feel hopeful.
People with cancer can (and do) lead active lives, even
during treatment
Your chances of your loved one's living with--and living
beyond--cancer are better now than they have ever been
before Many doctors and most alternative practitioners
think that hope may help the body deal with cancer.
Scientists are looking at the question of whether a hopeful
outlook and positive attitude helps people feel better. If
you are hopeful, that will help your loved one be hopeful
as well.
Here are some ways you can build your sense of hope:
Write down your hopeful feelings and talk about them with
others
Plan your days as you usually have done
Don't limit the things you like to do
Consciously look for reasons to hope
You will experience so many feelings as you learn to live
with your loved one's cancer diagnosis. It's OK to take
time to mourn and let the diagnosis sink in. It may feel
like a loss of freedom and safety, but it won't always be
this way. Life moves forward, and your loved one's cancer
becomes just one more thing in your life that you have to
deal with. Once you tackle this cancer head on, there's
nothing you can't do!
----------------------------------------------------
Jayne Hutchinson was immersed into a new world after her
husband was diagnosed with cancer. She found there was
little information and support available for spouses and
partners. She created the My Loved One Has Cancer web site
to fill that gap.This web site features comprehensive
resources and tools to make the cancer journey easier for
the spouse or partner of a loved one with cancer.
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