Madelyn Kubin was a Kansas farm woman who overpowered her
own failing health to care for her husband after he
suffered a debilitating stroke. She chronicled her
experience through writing letters to her daughter. Madelyn
developed a myriad of coping strategies in order to
maintain a positive attitude. The following survival tips
are illustrated with excerpts from her letters.
Detach Yourself Mentally by Practicing "Creative
Indifference"
The routine of caregiving can be confining, tedious, and
exhausting. Practicing "creative indifference" can help
shift your thoughts away from the drudgery of your daily
activities and focus your mental energy in more positive
ways.
Madelyn wrote about this philosophy after having a
conversation with a friend who was suffering with terminal
cancer.
"We talked about how we had changed because of the
illnesses. He said he and his wife have developed a
greater sense of humor. They see things funny that I guess
most people wouldn't. I told him I had developed a
detached attitude. He says he calls it creative
indifference and he has developed it too. I like that
better, as detached seems cold. Whatever you call it, it
means not allowing yourself to become emotionally ravaged
by the progression of events."
Learn Something New
Embrace the process of learning. Reading to expand your
mind, developing a new skill, or even performing a routine
task in a different way can be invigorating. Even though
you may feel physically confined in your caregiving role,
there are no restrictions on how far your mind can go.
Madelyn described it this way:
"I read that we have little root-like things called
dendrites in our brain. The article stated that people can
grow new dendrites to replace some that are lost from a
stroke - or even old age. The secret is to develop some
new habits. It seems that one good way is to exercise,
develop a new hobby or to get very interested in something
different - something a person enjoys. My flowers are my
new hobby. As I was trying to get all the plants watered
this morning, I couldn't help but wonder if learning how to
screw in hoses would help grow new dendrites."
Savor Happy Memories
People who are chronically ill or suffer constant pain can
become demanding, cranky, and depressed. Sometimes it can
be hard to remember who your loved one was before he or she
got sick. Remembering a happier time helped Madelyn
look at her husband a little differently when she wrote:
"I'll never forget Valentine's Day, 1993 when we were in
Port Richy, Florida. We were on our way to meet my sister,
her husband, and another couple at a very elegant country
club.
On the way, we stopped at a grocery store to see if we
could find an inexpensive floral gift for Jean and her
friend. We were about to give up when the clerk showed us
an orchid mounted in a small white wicker basket. We
selected two. I must have been looking wistful, because
Quentin asked if I would like to have one. I said I sure
would!
It was so pretty that I didn't want to mess up the corsage
by wearing it, so I kept it in the basket. Our meal was
delicious. There was free champagne and a flower for each
lady. As we drove around that day I had the most joyous
awareness of how much I loved my husband of fifty-one
years. The flower lasted three weeks. This is another
experience I'll never be able to repeat, but I'm so glad I
have the memory."
Madelyn survived her caregiving experience by taking care
of herself physically, mentally, and spiritually. Although
there is nothing that can make the job of caregiving easy,
developing an attitude of creative indifference, learning
something new, and savoring happy memories can help reduce
the stress.
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Resource box:
Elaine K. Sanchez, author of the tender, gritty, and
uproariously funny book, Letters from Madelyn, Chronicles
of a Caregiver speaks to audiences across the country about
finding hope and humor in aging, illness, and long-term
caregiving. For a free Caregiver's Survival Guide, visit
her website at http://www.LaineyPublishing.com
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