If you are a family member who deals with another's mental
illness, chances are your life can get very full and often
confusing. I hope this article about healthy boundaries
helps.
OK, so your life has changed. Things are a bit different
after the diagnosis of a family member's illness. It could
be a daughter with bi-polar, a husband with clinical
depression or your own sudden experiences with panic
disorder. These circumstances happen every year to millions
of Americans and family members -- the "affected others" --
need to adjust and compensate for this new situation.
Presumably, if you are an affected other, you have the
professional medical support you need to help your loved
one. But you're realizing that still things do not work as
smoothly as they did before. This is hard! Learning how to
implement boundaries and raising your personal standards
are good ways of "surviving" another's mental illness. Some
things that used to be OK in your life suddenly are just
too much. This is to be expected -- but not tolerated.
Let's consider a typical problem that most people face at
some time in their life: people who drop by your home
without notice.
Some people don't mind drop-in traffic. However, at some
point you may feel overwhelmed by this prospect since you
are now dealing with the new challenges of a family
member's mental illness. If you used to be fine with
drop-in guests but now find them overwhelming, you may want
to implement a new "boundary" to improve your life and
reduce your stress.
Without boundaries, you're constantly tiptoeing around
hoping your friend Suzy doesn't suddenly pop in to "dump"
all her woes on you. Caring for and worrying about your own
family member can be a 24/7 preoccupation – do you really
want to share the little time you may have left with Suzy,
on her timetable? Most people fall short in the department
of understanding what personal standards and boundaries
have to do with "surviving mental illness". When your life
changes after a diagnosis, it is important to review your
life and decide which activities are acceptable and which
are not. In the above example of allowing friends and
neighbors to simply stop by anytime they like, you may feel
that this is just too much, given your new circumstances.
Here are my top three reasons to install boundaries:
1. Boundaries will decrease your stress level.
2. Boundaries will allow you to take care of YOU so you
have more time to care about and for your family member who
is suffering mental illness.
3. Boundaries will set a precedent of honesty and
integrity, and free your mind for more important issues.
Here are possible options for dealing with the drop-in
traffic:
1. Do nothing. Continue to cope with an open door policy
even though you don't want uninvited guests and feel
increasingly angry that people just stop by.
2. Hide in the closet whenever someone knocks, hoping that
they'll eventually give up and miraculously disappear………
until tomorrow.
3. Develop and implement a new boundary. This may seem
like a lot of work, but the truth is the amount of energy
you spend NOT dealing with this problem is probably doing
more to complicate your already complicated life.
How do you implement a boundary?
1. Review your daily life and decide what issue is
bothering you. Then think about ways to stop the issue from
happening. In our example, the drop-in traffic is the issue.
2. Next write down what you will say to your friend and
deliver your message in a friendly, clear, but firm manner.
Your conversation may go something like this: "Suzy, I
wanted to talk to you today because I've decided something
and want to let you know what it is because it affects you.
Since Jamie's diagnosis I've really been overwhelmed with
everything. I think I'm starting to calm down but I really
need to do a few things to take care of me. I am asking all
my friends and family to call me before dropping by. I'm
hoping this will allow me to schedule my time better, have
more down time and generally feel more in control of my
schedule. Would that be OK with you?"
Of course, you will have to adjust your "message" for the
person you speak to, because, let's face it, you may not
want to ask certain people "Would that be OK with you?"!
You may need to make the statement and ask them to follow
your request.
Finally, it is important to understand that how your
message is received cannot be your worry. Some people are
bound to get upset, ask for details, and want to know
what's going on with you…..blah, blah, blah. Remember, this
new boundary is for YOU -- something to improve your life
and well-being. This is not about them. So allow them to
feel the way they do and stick to your guns. The new
freedom and energy that will result from raising your
standards and implementing a boundary will be palatable!
----------------------------------------------------
Mary Logan, MA is a personal coach who works with family
members dealing with mental illness. Mary Logan focuses on
wellness issues facing her clients as they enter a new role
of caring for a family member with mental illness. You can
sign up for her free 7-part e-course on staying well with
boundaries at http://www.ucanthrive.com
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