"Fear will stop your love; Love will stop your fear"
(Morcheeba)
This quote is so powerful and it really resonates with me,
especially after the workshop
(www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com) that my husband and I
attended last weekend.
The workshop's basic idea? That we all long for
connection, validation and understanding ("love") but often
times, in our relationships, something triggers an old fear
or vulnerability. This fear, if not understood, can create
distance or longing or struggle instead of connection and
understanding.
However, by really truly listening to the other person,
keeping our own fears aside for a minute, we promote
understanding and connection (and love). And similarly,
when we feel heard and understood and validated (rather
than criticized, judged or ignored), we too feel safe,
supported and loved (rather than afraid). I got to
thinking about how this concept applies not only to
romantic relationships, but to all relationships, including
our relationship to ourselves (specifically, how it applies
to our relationship to food, eating and body image).
Let me explain.
Fear will stop your love.
Very often in my practice, I work with women who are
struggling with food, self-esteem, and self-care. They
wish they looked differently. They wish their body was
different. They wish they ate better. They criticize
themselves, often relentlessly. They believe they are not
good enough mothers. They wonder if they are good enough
friends. They berate themselves for not doing more, being
more, having more.
I get it - I really do. I've been there, and I still am
there sometimes! We worry and we wish and we wish and we
worry because, very often, we are tuning into our old,
unresolved thoughts - thoughts that are full of judgments,
beliefs, expectations...and most of all, fears.
These fears (fear of being rejected, fear of not being good
enough, fear of being seen, fear of not being seen, etc.)
and the resulting criticism, judgment, negative thoughts
and hurtful actions are in direct opposition to what we
really need. What we really need is some variation of
love: support, understanding, care, validation, empathy.
But rather than offering understanding, validation and
empathy to our own struggle, we do the opposite: we stress,
criticize, minimize, maximize, ignore, or berate...and very
often we disconnect from ourselves and our feelings (often
using food)...all of which just perpetuate the struggling.
We believe that if we just lost 10 pounds, started
exercising, stopped eating sugar, got thin...we would
finally be HAPPY. We would finally LOVE ourselves.
Most of us do this so often, unconsciously, that we don't
even realize the power of these thoughts. But power they
have. And unfortunately, not the power we want them to
have.
Growth and change and health - whether individual or
relational - do not happen with negativity and criticism
and judgment and disconnection. Growth and change and
health only happen with support and safety and love.
Love will stop your fear.
So what if we were to apply love and support and
non-judgmental listening while in the midst of feeling
frustrated or unhappy? (This is just what we want from our
partners, right?) This would involve listening deeply to
our thoughts and feelings as they arise, without judgment,
and offering ourselves support and understanding. What if
we were to allow our disappointments to emerge without
trying so hard to change them; what if we were to allow our
selves to just BE, without judging? If we allowed our
HUNGERS and our CRAVINGS and our PASSIONS (for food or
otherwise) to exist, to just be what they are, we could
further understand them. And it is from here, this place
of understanding, compassion and love, where change is
possible.
Love will stop your fear. And fear will stop your love.
----------------------------------------------------
Karen Schachter is a licensed clinical social worker &
certified nutrition counselor who works with women who want
to have a healthier relationship with food & in turn,
improve their nutrition, improve their mood & energy,
decrease their cravings and just generally enjoy life more
fully. She helps parents figure out what to feed their
children & how to feed their children. Sign up for her FREE
newsletter @ http://www.healthybodieshappyminds.com/
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