Hi, my name is Nadine and I am not a compulsive overeater.
In fact, I don't even think about food anymore. But for
over 20 years food was the main focus of my life. Food was
my savior, my comfort factor, my friend and worst enemy.
Or so I thought.
Why do I want to write my story and share my personal
details with the world? Because I have something important
to say and I have learned that without speaking about
healing binge eating disorder others who suffer from it
might stay that way forever when they truly don't need to.
My experience with eating disorders started with anorexia
when I was 16 years old. Growing up I had always been
self-conscious about my body even though I was of normal
height and weight. But being "normal" doesn't make a hill
of beans if you don't feel it on the inside. That's just
the outside. My grandmother used to tell me I would be fat
if I ate those "bad" foods and those thoughts were the
start of an unhealthy view of food. I adopted her belief
that I would become fat so I feared food and I feared
becoming fat.
As I got older I kept an unhealthy relationship with food
at an arms length. I married at 22 and had my first baby
at 25. At 27, I left my husband. I chose not to live a
life filled with deception and corruption which is what my
husband had gotten into. He was embezzling money from the
police department he worked for and was blaming me for it.
I couldn't believe this man that said he loved me would do
something so wrong and blame me for it. Did he ever really
love me?
Even though I was 3 months pregnant with my second baby, I
took my 2 year old and left with a broken heart. He didn't
care about me, my 2 year old or my unborn child and my
self-esteem hit rock bottom. In the three weeks that
followed, I lost my job, I lost my grandfather, I lost my
marriage and I lost my unborn child. My life would never
be the same.
At first I used food as consolation. I had lost just about
everything in my life that was important to me and food
seemed to soothe my soul. I was depressed, angry, sad,
hurt, and desolate. A few months had passed and I started
to put myself back together for the sake of my daughter. I
started exercising and dieting because in my twisted mind I
thought that no man would want me unless I looked like a
skinny model from a magazine. I was 27 years old, getting
divorced and had a 2 year old. Who wants to get involved
with that?
I started starving myself and compulsive exercising and the
weight just melted off my body. Of course so did my
muscles and immune system. But I didn't care because my
body was responding to the control I wanted to have over
it. I couldn't control what was going on in my life but I
sure could control my own body.
My family was close to doing an intervention as I pushed my
body beyond healthy limits. I was smoking cigarettes so I
wouldn't eat and still compulsive exercising. My lungs
were screaming at me but I kept pushing. My knees finally
gave out from overuse and it was then that I was forced to
stop exercising compulsively. My body was trying to regain
control over my brain and it was using methods to get me to
stop. It finally worked. It amazes me now when I think
about how brilliant the human body is and how it sends
messages when the brain isn't listening!
In the meantime, I began dating again and found that I was
still attractive to men even with a child in tow. My
self-esteem seemed to get a little better but food was
still an issue. I hardly ate and still smoked. I had not
dealt with the underlying issues of abandonment from my
marriage so there was still emptiness in my heart.
A few years later I met my current husband. I was ready.
I had waited 7 years after my divorce to meet him, had let
go of the pain I felt inside, and he was like a fairy tale
prince. My life had finally turned around and I fell in
love with him. We were planning our wedding and building a
house at the same time so my stress level was enormous but
I was on cloud nine.
Here is the interesting thing about eating disorders
though. Even though you may feel euphorically happy, you
can still have inner struggles that bring out those dormant
eating disorder feelings. Because I didn't deal with the
issues, I began to binge eat. I used food to combat my
stress. And of course as I became a full time binger I
had to hide what I was doing. How ashamed and embarrassed
I was that I had become this hideous person that hid cakes
in the bottom of the refrigerator and stuffed myself so
full that I could barely move after. And to top it all
off, I started to gain weight.
After three years of hiding my binging, I "came out of the
closet". Binge eaters typically hide their pain and food
intake from everyone so coming out is scary but liberating.
Another thing that happened when I finally decided to stop
hiding is that I wanted to heal my eating disorder as fast
as I could. I wanted help and was going to find it.
I attended Overeaters Anonymous meetings for some time but
they were of no help to me whatsoever. My experience with
OA was that a hand full of people got together at my local
church and sat around complaining about how stressed they
were. No one knew how to deal with binge eating. No one
knew how to heal it. In fact, every time I went to a
meeting I had to state my name and that I was a compulsive
overeater. I didn't want to keep saying that. I wanted to
say that I was cured. I also got tired of listening to
other people complain. My next attempt was to contact my
primary care physician.
My PCP had no idea what binge eating disorder was. She
suggested I join a structured eating program like Weight
Watchers. She also thought I should try an
anti-depressant. She sent me home with a prescription for
pills and a huge dose of frustration. Didn't anyone know
how to heal this? What kind of options did I have? It
turned out, not many.
That's when I decided to study holistic health and
nutrition. I realized that I had been sent on my path of
eating disorders for a purpose and that was to help other
people find options to heal their disorder when they
finally reach the point of "coming out".
Finding the help I needed was miraculous. My healing
included: stress management, challenging my old belief
systems, getting to the root cause of my disorder, learning
meditation, visualization, and assertiveness training and
coping skills. It all came down to me and no one else.
All of my actions and decisions up until the time I began
healing my disorder where focused on everyone else except
me. It came down to realizing that I have a great deal of
value and self-worth and I can participate in life by being
true to myself.
I learned that anyone can have an eating disorder no matter
what their background is or income is or color is. I
learned that stress can literally put you over the edge and
cause you to binge eat and not knowing how to deal with
stress correctly is part of the problem.
I also know that with healing comes an obligation for me to
speak out so that other wonderful individuals don't go home
with a prescription for something that only masks the
problem and not solves it. I urge people to learn about
the disorder, to find online or offline methods available
for help and stick it out. Healing binge eating disorder
is possible. I am living proof of it.
"My name is Nadine and I am a healthy, happy, beautiful
person."
----------------------------------------------------
Nadine Ann is the founder of the BreakAway Program for
healing binge eating disorder. She created an online
treatment program for those suffering from binge eating
disorder looking for a natural means to healing. Nadine
Ann is a Certified Nutritionist, Holistic Health
Practitioner, Reiki Practitioner, Wellness Coach, and
survivor of multiple eating disorders. For more
information visit http://www.breakawayprogram.com
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