As difficult as is to believe, much less accept, your loved
one has Alzheimer's. Between the diagnosis and the end of
the battle, will be endless puzzles, challenges, heartaches
and decisions. I have worked with numerous Alzheimer
patients, and my heart aches for you. That's why I want to
share some vital information with you. I know you want to
give the best care possible, and I also know that you will
not be able to resist correcting your loved one when they
say something that seems out of touch with your reality.
Resist it. Little by little, your loved one's memories
will be eroded. Literally, the last memory in will be the
first memory out; once that memory is gone, it's as if it
never happened. To be brutally honest, trying to correct a
statement that doesn't jive with your reality is cruel and
chips away at their dignity.
Before you decide to quit reading, let me explain.
Here is a very common example: Mom says, "I must get
dinner ready because your dad will be home from work soon."
Since your dad has been deceased for a number of years,
you instinctively remind your mom that dad is dead.
Let me pause here and say that response is normal because
we mistakenly believe that if we correct mom's
misconception, then she will snap back to reality.
That's our misconception no matter how good our intentions
are. Without realizing it, you have potentially done the
following harm:
At the least, you have embarrassed her. If her memory of
his death is gone, then it's as if she is hearing this news
for the first time. Imagine your devastation, if you
received the news that your mother died. Each time you
tell her that dad is dead then you are putting her through
the same emotions you would be feeling if you received the
news for the first time.
One of the most important things you can do is to preserve
her dignity. Her memory has regressed to a time when her
husband was alive. It's her truth. Since she has no
memory of her husband's death, it's as if you are not
telling the truth, even though it's your truth.
Okay, so what do you do? First you acknowledge (validate)
her feelings. You might say, "Yes, mom, we need to be
thinking about dinner." Then you redirect her attention.
"Don't worry about dinner, mom, we are going out to dinner
as soon as dad gets home. Why don't you go freshen up? Do
you still have that nice mauve lipstick? By the way, where
did you get that lipstick - I would like to get some for
myself. Do you think that shade would look okay on me, or
should I wear red lipstick?"
See where I'm going with this? You are being where she is,
and you have preserved her dignity while distracting her
from her worry. You might even say that dad has to work
late and is going to grab something at the diner. Whatever
you say to ease her concern or agitation has done no harm,
and in fact, has kept her from being traumatized. Chances
are, she won't even mention it again.....at least that day.
If your loved one insists on running to the store for
groceries, please don't remind her that she can't drive
anymore. In her world, she is perfectly capable of
driving. Either tell her the car is being serviced, or
tell her that the car has a mechanical problem that will be
fixed tomorrow. If worse comes to worse, there is a device
that you can use to temporarily disable the car, in case
she tries to drive it. (See the link to the Alzheimer's
Store)
Remember that they are in a different time and place; if
not now, it's a fact that they will be soon. Be where they
are, validate and re-direct, and you will preserve your
loved one's dignity. God bless you, each and every
caregiver, for everything you do, and for all that you go
through to keep your loved one at home. It's often a
thankless job, and nobody can truly understand what it's
like unless they go through it themselves.
----------------------------------------------------
Brenda Dapkus, Co-founder of Alzheimer's Family Help in
Asheville, NC. We provide solutions to behaviors common to
Alzheimer's and dementia.
http://www.alzheimersfamilyhelp.com
For more tips visit us at the above link.
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