"Be the change you wish to see in the world." (Gandhi)
I have always loved this quote. I think it resonates
deeply with me because I tend to be a "fixer." If I see
something not working, I want it to work. If I see someone
suffering, I want them to feel better. I tend to develop
angst over problems in the world and wish things could be
different. I have loads of advice J, as well as a huge
passion, for easing the suffering of others. I became a
social worker in the first place, frankly, because I wanted
to change the world.
At the same time, I know on a very deep level that the most
powerful thing I can do is to embody those changes myself.
I am not advocating passivity - in fact, quite the
opposite. I believe that in order to change the world, we
must first tune inward.
In my role as therapist, coach, friend, volunteer, and
passionate supporter of making the world a better place,
this has gotten much easier. (I'm sure you're familiar with
the quote, "therapist heal thyself" - well, I took that to
heart!). It has become clearer to me that when I am
struggling with wanting to "change" someone or something, I
have to tune in to myself first; I have to focus on healing
this part of me before I can really be of service to anyone
else.
However, in my role as a mother, and oh, how I hate to
admit this, as a daughter and sometimes a wife - HA! This
is not so easy!
Do you know what I mean?? Are there certain people in your
life that you NEED to fix or change? That you so
desperately wish were different in some way??
Since this is a "Mother's Day" issue and so many of my
readers are moms, I am going to use the role of "mother" as
an example to illustrate my point.
It is painful to see our children struggling or even
frustrated. It is also painful to imagine their potentially
doomed future (which often has more to do with our own
projection, by the way) if they DON'T LISTEN TO US!! We as
parents have powerful ideas about what their behaviors,
thoughts, values, characteristics, issues, actions, etc.
should be so our children can live their best possible
lives. In the service of loving our children, we may try,
try, try to get them to BE a certain way.
I don't know about you, but in my less than wisest moments,
I've resorted to begging, pleading, bribing, nagging, and
yelling to get my children to SEE and DO things MY WAY. In
the service of "helping them" because I "want them to be
happy or healthy," I have acted in ways that weren't in any
one's best interest. Even more importantly, these ways
have not worked.
Don't get me wrong. I am a huge believer in setting limits
and guiding and being clear about our expectations and even
being very firm. This is part of what being a parent is.
However, if we don't model what we are trying to teach; if
we do not internally embody the values and behaviors and
beliefs that we are trying so hard to convey, we will be
teaching and setting limits and being firm until we are
blue in the face. We must be their living example.
So what are the values you want your children to grow up
with? Where in your life might your internal experiences
or feelings (or even outward actions) be in conflict with
what you are preaching to them? Believe me, even if you
think they don't see these things, kids KNOW everything.
They know when we are saying things that are congruent with
what we feel, and they know when we are blowing them a lot
of hot air.
When I get annoyed with my children for begging for more
toys and not recognizing how lucky they are given all the
starving children in the world, I know it's time to examine
my relationship with my own stuff. Do I value (and treat
kindly) the things that I have? Have I been grateful for
how lucky I am, or instead feeling sorry for myself because
someone else has "more"?
Here's another example: If I want to make the world a
more peaceful place (which I do), then I need to focus on
peace in my own life. Where am I struggling? Who am I
struggling with? What am I doing to make my little world -
and the larger world - a more peaceful place (complaining
about our administration, for example, is NOT an example of
tuning inward, unfortunately).
If I want my children to stop begging for sweets, I have to
work on my own feelings of deprivation when I say "no" to
sweets (or other things) for myself. I also have to get
clear on what saying no to them means, and work on my own
guilt over disappointing them. Most importantly, I have to
value my own body and health and wellbeing so I can convey
to them the importance of valuing theirs.
In the words of Yehuda Berg*, ". . .like candles, we
should allow the radiance of our thoughts and deeds to warm
and enlighten our children [and ourselves]. In this way,
the changes in our own lives become examples and
inspirations for them to follow."
We are all a work in progress. There are no perfect
parents (really). And this article is in no way an
attempt to get you to be a better mother or daughter or
partner or friend. (My goodness, there is already plenty
of advice on how to "be better" out there!). My wish for
you this Mother's Day and beyond is that, rather than
trying to be the perfect mother or the perfect wife or
partner or daughter or son, you take this opportunity to
tune into yourself. To fully embody the change you wish to
see. To offer yourself the love, compassion, nurturing,
confidence, kindness, and care that you so freely give to,
and want for, others in your life.
----------------------------------------------------
Karen Schachter is a licensed clinical social worker &
certified nutrition counselor who works with women who want
to have a healthier relationship with food & in turn,
improve their nutrition, improve their mood & energy,
decrease their cravings and just generally enjoy life more
fully. She helps parents figure out what to feed their
children & how to feed their children. Sign up for her FREE
newsletter @ http://www.healthybodieshappyminds.com/
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