Many men have a difficult time recognizing that they are
depressed. Men often interpret the word "depression" as
describing a state of helplessness or hopelessness,
accompanying a general sense of feeling fragile or
vulnerable. In many ways our culture conditions men to
ignore these states or to experience little awareness of
them. Men are taught "boys don't cry," and are uniformly
rewarded with praise and validation when they "act like a
man" instead of tearing up or expressing fear in response
to a harshly distressing encounter. Such an encounter
might be a football injury or a harsh and critical baseball
coach or an abusive peer. After years of this kind of
persistent reinforcement these boys grow into men with a
form of blindness whereby they often do not see or
understand the nature of depression. In ignorance they
become bound by painfully repetitive behaviors and feelings
with no knowledge that they can change. What men do
recognize is what they call "stress" and they will commonly
describe events and situations as stressful with no
awareness that those events and situations are the triggers
stimulating an internal state of dis-ease that often leads
to depression. The following are some of the less
recognizable experiences that men commonly describe as
"stressful" or "stress-related" and that are symptomatic of
depression.
SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION
high levels of anxiety, irritability, and/or anger; low
energy and/or fatigue; difficulties concentrating; frequent
worries about others' opinions; loss or lack of confidence;
loss of interest in favorite activities; weight loss or
gain; loss of sex drive; sleep problems; inability to
relax; addictions; obsessive-compulsive behavior; frequent
suffering from vague physical ailments.
TRIGGERS OF DEPRESSION
Many normal and joyous life experiences can trigger
depression. A new relationship, a new baby, a new home or
job, a large inheritance, or even winning the lottery.
Each of these events bring additional and, at times,
unfamiliar experiences that can challenge a man's sense of
confidence to address such responsibilities. Generally,
when men feel a lack of confidence they will double up
their efforts. However, when such efforts fail and a man's
confidence is compromised longer than is tolerable his
sense of self worth is diminished and that places him at
risk for depression.
Separation, divorce, loss of a job, retirement, death of a
loved one, constant and unrelenting pressures from others
to do things their way--these also can tax a man's sense of
competency and self-worth. As commonly learned growing up,
men experiencing loss will tend to suppress tears and
sadness and will instead present a "stiff upper lip," or
get busy and support others, or express anger at the
perceived offender, or find ways to occupy their thoughts
so they can avoid uncomfortable feelings. As well they
will reject any idea that they cannot optimally perform.
And if, by chance, they do have trouble functioning
effectively, they will suffer intense anxiety, tension, and
fatigue. When this happens and they cannot change what
they believe is causing their distress, they will begin
experiencing more of the symptoms listed above.
Physical illness and unrelenting pain can also trigger
depression. Pain is the body's red alert system that
something is misfiring, and the nervous system is the first
responder to engage our defense system to bring relief.
When pain is intense enough or it persists long enough it
creates unrelieved stress on our natural biological defense
systems. Once that happens our immune system and other
related defense systems become compromised and can no
longer provide necessary relief. One of the common results
of this biologically-based depletion is depression. The
biological and chemical effects of untreated depression
then synergistically trigger an even wider system breakdown
that further weakens our body and makes us susceptible to
other physical disorders.
THE BLIND BIND OF MALE DEPRESSION
Men are conditioned from the time they are little boys to
be problem solvers, doers, thinkers, and action takers.
Such conditioning primes them to naturally assume the roles
of dedicated employee at work and primary caretaker at
home. They push themselves to meet time lines, sales
quotas, budget schedules, financial, emotional, and
professional expectations of family and friends. They are
not taught to consider or are not aware of the cost these
pressures can impose on their physical well being and
emotional peace of mind. They are blinded to the
understanding that if the cost gets high enough fatigue,
irritability, impatience, and the other symptoms listed
above start to manifest. They do not recognize that in an
effort to gain relief from these symptoms they engage in
behaviors that potentially exacerbate the problem. And so,
in ignorance, they compulsively and impulsively bind with
the distracting excitement or mind numbing experience of a
increasing variety of behaviors. Some examples include
alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, spending, long periods on
the internet, and working harder and longer. Ultimately,
instead of bringing relief, these binding behaviors bring
an additional set of worries that now includes
substance-related depression, financial debt, social
isolation, family conflict, a shame-driven perception of
self, and a widening rift between the painful state of
depression and the support that can bring relief and
healing.
HEALING FROM THE BLIND BIND OF DEPRESSION
Men did not ask for this blind-bind state of being. And
they cannot return to their pasts and change the
experiences that conditioned them to overlook or ignore or
to have little understanding of the symptoms of depression
and the interactions that trigger it. However, men can
learn to recognize the symptoms and then, at the very
least, seek out more information. Depression is treatable
and a few basic steps can begin the process. Awareness is
fundamental. The next step requires action. Here are some
recommendations:
get eight hours sleep; do something you enjoy each week;
walk for twenty minutes, three times a week; eat healthy
meals that include fruits/vegetables--depression leeches
the body of nutrients; schedule a massage; practice deep,
slow breathing throughout the day; take a work
break—go in late, leave early, take the day off;
consult with a physician; talk about frustrations with a
trusted friend; get professional counseling.
This last suggestion, getting professional help, is
significantly important. Often men know that these
activities can help to lift their mood and alleviate stress
but hard as they try, they falter at following through with
them. Understandably. Depression is a condition that
effects the mind, the body, and the emotions. Many men
routinely grow up with few tools to address these areas
when compromised. However, with the help of a skilled
psychotherapist who has experience and training working
with men in the treatment of depression and anxiety the
blind bind of male depression can release. And with that
release men can then acquire the tools to alleviate the
symptoms of depression, to prevent its debilitating
reoccurrence, and to live with a consistent sense of
healthy and enjoyable connection with self and others.
----------------------------------------------------
Ms Desert is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in
Baltimore, MD with a holistic private practice and
specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, and
trauma. For more information please visit her web site at
http://www.singular-pathways.com or email in confidence at
http://www.singularpathways@msn.com
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