When the news broke about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's
alleged involvement with a prostitute the nation was
inundated with newspaper reports expressing shock and
confusion. Politicians, corporate executives, and various
other pundits were outraged by Spitzer's behavior? And
healthcare providers began scratching their heads at the
apparent level of ignorance about addictive behavior that
these responses demonstrated.
In fact, Spitzer's behavior is a classic reflection of a
particular kind of addiction known as sex addiction.
In the addictions recovery field providers refer to the
"insanity" of the addict. They define this as a way of
thinking that compels the addict to continually make
choices harmful to self and others yet denying consciously
or unconsciously to self that such choices will have any
significantly negative impact. In Spitzer's case he
continually made choices despite the enormous risks
involved-- risks that included divorce, alienation from
children, loss of employment, legal charges, disease,
blackmail, and personal humiliation.
Obviously from the news this kind of behavior now confounds
many people. They do not understand what propels a person
to act so irresponsibly that he ends up egregiously hurting
self and loved ones. Many are casting criticisms, judgment
and expressions of glee with no understanding or interest
that Spitzer's behavior reflects a deeply painful and
unmanageable internal state of being very likely driven by
formative experiences that compromised a healthy sense of
self and others.
Such a painful state is at the root of sexual addiction.
Healthy individuals need to feel a positive sense of
connection with self and to know that they are able to
manage their lives. Our ability to experience this grows
out of our interactions throughout childhood with our
primary caretakers and are shaped by the extent to which we
experience a sense of safety, a sense of feeling loveable,
and a sense of feeling competent.
When we do not have enough of these experiences growing up
we become adults who suffer a host of problems that include
negative beliefs about ourselves, a generalized state of
anxiety and/or depression, feelings of grandiosity,
loneliness, a need to please or be pleased, and a need to
dominate or be dominated. A pervasive sense of inadequacy
is central to these states and addiction is a means to
manage the pain of it.
The seeming effectiveness of sexually addictive behavior to
ameliorate such intense pain lies in the emotional shift
that occurs. The sexual behavior triggers a mood-altering
state that gives the addict temporary relief from emotional
pain and a euphoric sense of excitement. And in the case
of prostitution, the male or female prostitute is simply a
means by which the addict can experience the excitement,
sense of power, and the feeling of connection that he is
otherwise unable to experience in his life.
Governor Spitzer wielded enormous power in his political
life, and he presented the embodiment of a dedicated,
effective, productive and respected civil servant. Yet
despite all this his sexual behavior indicates that he was
unable to consistently experience an internal sense of
confidence, loving connection, and healthy control.
Perhaps he would deny this. What he cannot deny are the
enormous losses he and his family suffered as the result of
his sexual behavior.
At the very least, Governor Spitzer has an opportunity now
to be curious about his choices, to recognize how little
healthy power he demonstrated over his behavior, and to
seek out understanding and help with making healthier
choices in the future. These are the critical first steps
for all those painfully caught up in sexual addiction. To
do so offers profound and deeply healing experiences that
lead to compassionate understanding and forgiveness, a
world full of loving friends and family, and a life
robustly lived with grace and dignity. ©Patti Desert
2008 All Rights Reserved
----------------------------------------------------
Ms Desert is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in
Baltimore, MD with a holistic private practice and
specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety,
trauma, and associated addictions. For more information
please visit her web site at
http://www.singular-pathways.com
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